FRIENDSHIP III - Support

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. "

~Albert Schweitzer

My husband threw a book release party for the launch of my memoir Back on the Court. (well, he did have help from Heidi and Kathy) Friends and family gathered to celebrate. Models, basketball players & coaches, fellow writers, and friends I’ve met over the years through my kid’s preschool, elementary school and middle school days were there. Even a childhood friend who played with me in the sandbox when I was 3 years old suprized me. I wanted to cry. Okay, I did cry. But it was good to shed those tears and take a moment to focus on the friends that have helped support me through this thing called life.

Take a moment…think about those who have helped support you through life?

FRIENDSHIP II - 4am & still smiling

“It is the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.”

-Marlene Dietrich

This quote reminds me of my friend Kirsten. The excerpts to follow are from my memoir BACK ON THE COURT. Both take place after I was in an accident, where I was badly injured and lost my fiancé. Both involve Kirsten, who somehow manages to always keep me smiling.

...When I pull back the cardboard flaps of the package that has just been delivered to the front door, all I can see are empty candy wrappers. That’s my Kirsten. I dig deeper; some of the wrappers have candy still intact. I pop a Hershey kiss in my mouth. As the chocolate melts, I scavenge through the wrappers and find, a book of word search puzzles, a hand painted journal, a plastic toy that looks like it came from McDonalds and the book Curious George Goes to the Hospital. I leaf through the book with what might be my first real smile since the accident.

***

...It’s 11:30 pm when I get home. Before I crawl under my covers, I check my machine and there are several messages, one is from Kirsten. After turning over in bed for two hours, I pick up the phone and dial. It’s 4:30 a.m. in New York, but then, Kirsten is used to my untimely calls.

“Hi, Kirsten,” I say, now on the couch slowly rolling my head, and phone, side to side.

“Hey Sōn, how are ya?”

“I’m alright,” I say, finishing with my neck and finding a comfortable spot on the couch, “but my neck is killing me, I can’t sleep.”

“Really,” Kirsten says, not bothering to hold back a tired yawn.

“Yeah, I’m so sick of it. One stupid doctor tried to put me on antidepressants. I was so pissed. If I need antidepressants, it’s not for my neck.” I pull a yellow throw from off the back of the couch and lay it across Brianna and my chest. “I hate some doctors. Thank god I like Dr. Perry, my orthopedic surgeon, because my surgery to take the rod out of my leg is coming up on April 12.”

There’s another lengthy yawn from the other end of the line.

“I’m not that boring,” I say, smiling to myself, “oh, and guess what?”

“You scheduled a boob job at the same time?” Kirsten jabs.

I shake my head and laugh. I’m glad I called Kirsten, even if she isn’t. Kirsten cheers me up. My “guess what?” question for Kirsten was concerning my new boyfriend Jason. He wasn’t coming to Spokane for my surgery and though I told him I didn’t care, I really want him there. I have begun to count on him more and more and it scares me. What would happen if I lost him too? I don’t think I could handle more pain. Kirsten helps me forget about the “what if’s” and, without knowing, helps me appreciate the “now.”

FRIENDSHIP I - New Friendships

There is something about new friendships that help me grow as a person, expand my mind, and make me feel alive, even though it is my true nature to hunker down and be alone. It might not seem that way if you know of my crazy schedule, but I cherish “me” time spent in silence. (I didn’t even have a stereo in my car for 10 years just to have moments of silence) Still, life is about human connection and every time I push my boundaries, and make connections, it enriches my life. Recently I met Kayla. I am 45 years old and I was nervous to introduce myself (come on Sonya). Now I have a new writing partner, an assistant basketball coach and a friend, and my life is the better for it.

Just do it!

Do you ever struggle to get yourself to workout? I’ve worked out once in the last 2 months. (I played basketball on my birthday.) I’m always pretty active. I walk, work around the house and yard, that sort of thing, but other than that I’ve been slightly lazy and It’s time I get out of the lethargic state I’m in and hit the gym.

I know how good it feels to be in shape. I’ve been there on and off my entire life, but these days there always seems to be something that gets in the way. Something more urgent. The laundry, the bills, chauffeuring kids from place to place. Even watching TV at times becomes more urgent.

Excuses. Yes, I know they are all excuses, but how do I get going again? It all started when I hurt my toe (yes toe). It slowed me down, gave me a “real” excuse. I still could have ridden my bike, used the elliptical, things of that sort, but I didn’t, I fell into this lazy state of being (and I’ll admit, a part of me really likes it). But now its time to get after it, like the classic Nike campaign, I will start the laundry, do the dishes and then give my self a kick in the butt….and JUST DO IT!

Special Delivery

I should be jumping for joy. I’ve got copies of my book on their way, but there’s a heaviness in my soul. It’s not surprising if I think about it, my mixed feelings. I’m happy that I’ve finally reached the goal of sharing my story of recovery, but with it comes a reminder of the loss. My memoir came with a reminder of Mark, a man that will be forever loved and missed. And a reminder for me to take the time to remember those I have lost and appreciate those that are a part of my life. A perfect Special Delivery.

Believe in Your Dreams

Never give up. I’ve used this philosophy on the court and in life for a lot of years. When I told my husband I was going to write a book, he said, “What do you mean, you don’t write?” He was right, but I knew after Mark died, after I struggled to go on living and to find happiness again, after that journey, I knew I would share my experience in a book. It wasn’t easy. I spent nearly ten years writing my memoir, taking writing classes, going to workshops and putting pen to paper, and then came the hard part, getting published.

Fifteen years into this writing journey, my kids have moved through preschool, elementary school, middle school and as of last week one is now in high school. My hair has grayed (though you can’t usually tell because it’s highlighted blonde) and my Bampa, my grandpa and a huge inspiration to my writing life, has passed on. Much time has gone by, but I never gave up, and on October 16^th my memoir Back on the Court will be released.

Do you have a dream that seems beyond your reach? A goal too lofty? Nonsense, if there is something you strive to achieve, believe in your heart that you will do it, and never give up!

Human Nature Connection

Recently I shot with photographer Tim McGuire for his Human Nature Connection project. We had planned on shooting for a couple hours on Tiger Mountain and ended up hiking and shooting there and then driving over to Little Mt Si for several more hours. An amazing day.

I was drawn to Tim’s project because, as much as I enjoy my time in the gym, nature has often been my savior in life, giving me a chance to sweat, breath and open my mind. I feel at peace there and seek it out it times of stress. I’ve included an except from my book BACK ON THE COURT about one of those times. To see more of Tim's Human Nature photos go to Tim McGuire Images.

excerpt from BACK ON THE COURT…

I can feel the tension that’s been building over the past months escape with every mile and every tear. The tears are all but gone by the time I reach the lodge at Paradise and when I see that the snow pack is low enough for me to reach with a short hike, I gather myself, and head up the mountain. There is something in nature that for me helps relieve tension, and at the same time helps me feel closer to Mark. My dad has climbed Mt. Rainer many times and grew up near the Austrian Alps. Maybe that’s why I’m drawn to the mountains, to nature. It’s in my blood. The love of nature, of fresh air and pine trees, is a part of who I am.

I head up the nearest trail. The hike is steep, hard for me to maneuver with my injured leg. I like it. When I reach the snow there are two young snowboarders practicing jumps. They have hiked up with their boards and built themselves a ramp. I make a miniature snowman out of snowballs, take a self-portrait with the timer on my camera, and then find a dry rock where I can watch the snowboarders from a distance. I think of Mark. He has been gone, dead, for two whole years. It has been two years since I held his face in my hands and kissed his lips. Two years since we held one another tight and made love. The what-ifs, are unthinkable.

Swallowing hard, I lower my face to my knees and cry. When I look up the snowboarders have gone and I am alone on the mountain. The tears have washed through the depths of my soul and I sit in silence as the sun moves low in the sky. When I begin my slow descent down the trail, I am at peace.

BOOK LUST - Win a free PeaceLoveBasketball T-shirt!

I’m always looking for new basketball books to read. Coaching Philosophy, Skills & Drills, Memoir, Novel. My husband and I just finished the novel BLIND YOUR PONIES by Stanley Gordon West. Six young boys and their basketball coach give their small community something to believe in. It was a great read. A bit on the long side for me (though my 14 year old daughter breezed through it) I truly enjoyed the journey. I have several basketball books that I recommend at the Reading Room section of my website www.sonyaelliott.com, and I would love to get your opinion on more to check out.

To be entered in a drawing to win a free PeaceLoveBasketball T-shirt, and give fellow blog followers potential summer reads, jot down the title (and author if you know it) of a Basketball related book that you recommend in the comment section below.

Good luck and happy summer reading!

(Drawing ends July 31-suggestions can still be added to comments after that date, but participant will not be added to drawing. Participant may recommend more than one book but will only be entered once in drawing)

Just be

I’m too old for Cattle Calls. That’s what we in the modeling industry call a casting for a job with tons of people trying out. I’ve been modeling long enough now that by the time I see a client they have narrowed their choice down to two or three possible models via the Internet. But last week I watched as one by one, girls half my age, strutted into a casting and I thought, “What the hell am I doing here?”

I have learned to ignore my initial reaction. This is another area in my life where basketball has helped me by teaching me to be courageous in times of nervousness or fear. With modeling it’s not so much the competition as the fear of not being good enough, young enough, thin enough, tall enough. Being too muscular, too small, too blonde, not blonde enough. Over the years I have learned that I cannot be what every client wants me to be, so it’s better just to be me. (okay, well maybe a dressed up version of me) J

“Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.” ~Judy Garland

Perfect Expectations

It’s tough being an athlete. And I’m not talking about for professionals; I’m talking about for kids. The expectations today’s society puts on young athletes are crazy. I’ve listened to parents and coaches berate kids for mistakes that are just that…mistakes. No one is perfect. My husband rolls his eyes when I remind him and my kids, “Even the pro’s make mistakes.”

As a coach and a parent I am no Saint. I get frustrated when my kids don’t do the things I know they can do. But I try my best to look at the big picture.

Two weeks ago I played out of my head and scored twenty points in my basketball game. Last week I stunk. I couldn’t hit a shot, threw the ball away and made a lot of stupid mistakes. I wanted to throw my hands up and cry but I’ve learned from my years on the court to dig deep and keep on going. It’s hard for an experienced athlete to make it through the tough games and to remember what all good athletes eventually learn: No one is perfect, just...NEVER GIVE UP.

Young athletes need encouragement and support. Expect them to push themselves and work hard. Don’t expect them to be perfect.

Breathe

Sometimes I have to stop for a moment and breathe. I mean really breathe. Allow the tension in my body to melt away. Recently I have had a lot of these times.

Fortunately, every Thursday I write with my friend Jenny. We hold one another accountable to our writing goals and use the time to put words on paper. Instead of talking about our week, we write a letter to one another as our writing warm up. Yesterday, in my letter I thanked her for our friendship and then dove into my frenzied week. Scribbling at a pace that was as fast as my life, up until that very moment. Field trips, games, photo shoots, business meetings, open gyms and of course the never ending, and dreaded, cleaning. Sentence by sentence, I detailed the chaos and at the end of each paragraph I wrote BREATHE. An explanation to Jenny, and a reminder to myself, of what I should be doing. I wrote. Took a breath. Wrote. Took a breath. And with each breath felt more calm and thought to myself, “…this should be a blog.”

We read our letters out loud to one another. Jenny went first. I smiled as she shared her letter that was written to me. She paused and I watched her shoulders rise and fall. “Breathe,” she read aloud. Our minds were in tune. (this was not the first time.) Jenny had started a blog series BREATH.

There is much to be said about the benefit of a good deep breath. Take a moment now, fill your lungs, hold the air inside your body for a brief moment and then, let it go…breathe…

*For more on BREATH go to www.heartwriter.com

Relishing the Moment

I give my daughter a bad time about being too rough on the basketball court, but in reality I love her feistiness. Last week when I asked if she wanted to come to open gym with me, she looked up from her book and yawned. She was snuggled into bed, our dog sassy draped across her.

“Not tonight mom.”

“Alright.” I said.

I grabbed my high-tops and was opening the door when I heard, “Hey mom, wait!”

My assistant coach and her daughter came to open gym as well, and while my assistant and I lowered the hoops and chatted, the girls shot around. Then by two’s, seniors who would no longer be playing for our high school, arrived to play. I was glad to see them, glad that something about the game and the friendships that they’ve built bring them back to this court even though they are finished with their high school careers.

Once enough players arrived, we played full-court basketball and little miss “I want to read my book” was flying up and down the court, hustling for loose balls and crashing the boards. I couldn’t help but smile. It was heaven for me. Twenty years ago, when I nearly lost my life in a car accident, I never would have dreamed I would be in this place. Playing basketball with my daughter. Whatever her future in the game matters not, it’s this moment we share together.

What are some of the moments in your life that make life worth living?

Balancing Chaos

Last night I received the first round of edits from my editor in LA. My book BACK ON THE COURT, is to be published this fall by Tigress Pubishing and the process is underway. Am I scared? Hell yes! Excited and scared. This book writing thing has been a long process, with life mixed in. But isn't that what life is all about? Figuring out how to blend it all. How to sit down and read 250 pages of edit work when you've got in-laws in town, a birthday to prepare for, tax information to search for (had to file for and extension this year), a team fundraiser to organize, kids baseball & softball games to attend and well, basically just...a life to live.

You all know of the chaos of which I'm speaking. Does finding balance mean that life is slow and void of chaos? Maybe not, though it would be nice at times. Maybe it's understanding that to live a balanced life you can have a lot going on, it's just figuring out how to do it in a way in which you are happy. For some that means scaling back for others it's having a new mind set.

Perhaps tonight I will have to skip my basketball game and hunker down with a cup of tea and my edits. Or maybe go to my game and skip watching The Mentalist with my husband, our Thursday night "date night". Or try to do it all. Which ever I decide, what is important is that I feel good about the descision. Sorry Honey, I'll catch you next Thursday. :)

Check out www.heartwriter.wordpress.com for more thoughts on balance

http://heartwriter.wordpress.com/2011/05/05/creating-balance-effort-part-i/

Variety is the Spice of Life

I love basketball and feel very fortunate that I was able to get my college education paid for playing the game, but because I love it doesn’t mean it’s all I do. Too often I talk to young athletes (or their parents) that have decided that they are going to focus on one sport. “For what?” is my first thought. To go pro? .03 percent of high school basketball players make it to the professional level. To get a scholarship to college? Less than 1 percent of kids receive scholarships to play basketball in college. Often the money spent trying to improve a child’s skills in hopes that the child will earn a scholarship, could pay for college itself. And often the result is a child that has injuries from repeated use and no longer loves the game. Being a part of a team is a lot of fun, most of the time, but even when it’s not, a young athlete is staying out of trouble and learning lessons that will help them throughout their lifetime.

Why not play several sports? I expect my kids (the ones I’m raising), and I suggest to the kids that I coach, to play different sports. And why not play instruments, draw, design and create, on top of studying, because as a coach I’ve seen the burn out. A 3^rd grader goes full-time select soccer and is done with soccer by middle school. A Senior in high school is recruited to play Division 1 basketball but doesn’t except the scholarship because she’s tired of playing. These are just a couple of many stories I have heard over the years.

I’m 44 years old and I play basketball 2-3 times a week because I love to play. I started playing basketball in 7th grade and added AAU ball when I was in 9^th grade, but it wasn’t all consuming. I also played volleyball (they didn’t have school soccer in those days), played softball, ran track, sang in the choir, and hung out with my friends. When I was on the court, I was focused, but the rest of the time I was involved with life, just as I believe it should be for young athletes today.

Is it worth it?

Have I told you that I’m a basketball coach? I’ve spent twenty years coaching. Ten years as an assistant with high school and middle school kids, and as many years with recreational teams. This however, was my first year as a Head Coach at the high school level, and let me tell you, it was a challenge.

I felt as if I had been dropped into a war zone. There was little time to prepare especially with my big learning curve on the paperwork side of things (In the past my role as an assistant had been to concentrate on the kids). I worked at a harried pace, searching for missing uniforms, organizing equipment and getting the word out about tryouts. After flyers and speeches and meetings and e-mails…I had 15 girls tryout. I was crushed. How could a school of 1000+, half of which are female, have so few girls that wanted to be a part of their school’s basketball program?

My assistant and I focused on the positive. We had enough for a team. Barely. We worked the girls hard mentally and physically, knowing that if they put the effort in, they would see results. If not on the scoreboard, in their heart and soul.

We started with a couple of big wins, but then came loss after loss. We still pushed. Sometimes they pushed back. Did they question our intentions? Why should they trust us? Would we give up on them? A few players gave up on us and we wondered if we would keep enough girls to have a squad? But we did, and the girls that stayed continued to work hard. It wasn’t easy, but they didn’t give up.

Along with study hall and intense practices, we had team building events, goal setting and writing times, basketball movies, circle time, silent time (a crazy concept for high school girls), art projects and an inspiring speech by the 2010 WNBA Coach of the Year, Seattle Storm’s Brian Agler. Still, we struggled. And our team dwindled. When it came to our final game we had 8 players (7 of which could play) but the positive energy shown by the remaining players, even after a 36-61 final loss, reassured me that we had grown as a team.

The season is over now but my coaching continues. Organizing fundraisers, scheduling summer camps and tournaments, getting the word out about our program and just last week my 6’1” senior signed a Letter of Intent to continue her education and play basketball in college. Yes, the coaching continues, and every minute is worth it.

Forgotten?

It's not that I've forgotten to write my blog, it's just I'm afraid of it sometimes. Yes, you heard it, AFRAID. And honestly there's not much I'm afraid of, but for some reason I'm afraid that I won't get it right. The punctuation and grammar for one, which is not my forte', but will I reach you, the audience. Will I get across the feelings and thoughts I have inside? Will you care?

I guess to blog, I'll have to let that part of me that's a perfectionist go, or is that the perfectionist side of me? That's what I'm talking about! What is correct grammatically, which is grammatically correct, or does it matter? I guess what does matter, is to try, to put the effort in. For all of us, whether at school, on the basketball court, at work, in life, it's putting in the effort, taking a chance.

So blog, I will, about life, love and basketball. And you, my readers, may love or...(dare I say the opposing opinion) my ramblings but if they make you ponder, laugh or cry, then letting go of the fear and sharing is worth it, imperfections and all.